We cannot separate
You’re part of me
And though You’re invisible
I’ll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can’t feel You by my side
So I’ll hold tight to what I know
You’re here and I”m never alone”

wow. is that my heart’s cry right now or what?

there is so much beauty here.

so many reasons to be joyful.

but so often, i’m so concentrated on the here-and-now that i forget to look at the BIG PICTURE. and i forget that there IS more to my story. and i forget. forget that through it all, God IS still there.

my friend asked me today what Ps. 63:3 meant. what the writer was implying when he said: ”Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.”  she, being the very intellectual person, who always thinks things through (action-result), etc, etc.. was looking at this verse through a telescope. trying to read the fine print, as it were… 

however, the answer to her question is very simple: God IS faithful.

this verse is saying it in plain english: the world will let us down. all the time. we can be having a great day, and even that can end in rain.

but God is still there. He never leaves us.

odd, cuz most times when i’m working through stuff/ struggling, i honestly don’t believe that. in fact, it’s about those times when i start to really wonder what kind of God would let his believers go through that much pain by themselves…

but it’s not about me.

yet, it is.

::sigh::

 I honestly believe that God brings us through “alone times” (ya know, times when we feel completely alone and like no one in the world understands what we’re going through…?) in order to bring us closer to Him. in order to perfect us. ultimately making “a better you” ((laughs to self while writing this, cuz that would make a great advertisement…))

i heard once that “God doesn’t bring us through the fire to burn us, but to refine us”

hate how true that statement is, cuz i despise being in pain.

but if it’s to make me see/understand how beautiful/faithful my God really is… then isn’t it worth it?

- buying enough fruit for the week for only $100NT

- having the whole weekend to think, read, and write… about many things

- late-night SkypE-ing w/ some amazing girls back in the States (whit, libby, melbutt, soukup, and fahs)

- eating peanut butter w/ a spoon. just cuz i can.

- getting back massages from students <3

- discovering new music, even if it’s not-so-new (like superchick, fireflight, etc)

- opening up a bank account in a different country… after waiting at the bank for 3hrs

- smiling and waving at students that i randomly see throughout my city

- corn soup.

- ordering drinks ( 珍珠奶茶!) and having them delivered to my door

-  meeting random asians who speak perfect english…

- getting invited to random ppls houses to celebrate the moon festival

- chatting w/ super encouraging ppls online who always seem to brighten my day

- watching God work… not only in the hearts of the kids i teach, but also in me.

<3

Loneliness gets so old
I’m in the lost and found sitting on the shelf

Been stuck for way too long
But I hear Your voice
You’re who I’m counting on

Oh, tell me You’re here
That You will watch over me forever

Oh, take hold of my heart
Show me You’ll love me forever

I know that You can tell
When I start to let my hope fade away

I need to catch myself
Open my ears to hear You calling my name

Been fighting way too long
But I hear Your voice
You had me all along

When I’m starting to drown
You jump in to save me

When my world’s upside down
Your hands, they shake me and wake me

Oh, tell me You’re here
That You will watch over me forever

Oh, take hold of my heart
Show me You’ll love me forever

((forever ~ fireflight))

do you ever hear a song… and your whole body, mind, and soul just seem to scream the lyrics?

…kind of the effect that this song has on me.

this last week… er (scratches that out), these last few months have been ooper hard. not only on mwa physically but also mentally and spiritually.

still working through things… but i see light at the end of the tunnel.

and that gives me hope enough to keep going.

<3

so many things have occurred since last time i was here. so many smiles. so many goodbyes. so many laughs. so many tears.

but through it all, there is still beauty. there is still a God who cares for someone… even someone as small and dysfunctional as myself. isn’t that just a mind-blowing thought? it is to me…

i don’t have enough time to update y’all on happenings as of the past few months, but i will tell y’all to check out my other blog for more up.to.date info on the happenings as a large overview picture.

but yes. i will try to sum it up in as few words as possible…

-bethel didn’t work out for this fall

-God has given me some amazing friends (Mel, April, Fahs, Soukup, Hope, Libby… just to name a few!)

-i’ve cried more w/in the past four months than in my whole life put together…

-i’ve seen what it’s like to reach the bottom… and kept a smile on my face through it all

-the Lord has carried me through more than i can explain

-reached a point where i didn’t know what to do next (that is rare in my book…)

-took another leap.of.faith

-teaching/breathing/living back in taiwan again.

yes. God brings beauty through pain.

and this song (superchick) basically sums up these past few months….

(feel free to listen to it as well via YOUTUBE)

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i’m alive but i feel like i’ve died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i’m slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can’t understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

music: so much has happened in this area of my life. new albums, old albums (that are “new” to me), and everything in between. Learned to LOVE evanescence – she’s got some really good songs (not only beautiful musically, but strong lyrics). also fallen in love w/ paramore (yea, I’ve got a few years of music to catch up on…) – the #1 song via-them is “The only exception”… good song. I’ve downloaded so many songs over the last two weeks… pretty sure that music is the only thing keeping me going these days.

{{about this point, I would say “Man, so many of the lyrics speak so totally to me” then silently think to myself, no one knows how much these really DO speak to me. but then I wake up to the reality that I am NOT the only one going through these things… thus why the artists write about them and they become such big hits. because EVERYONE ELSE is thinking the same thing as me. duh… i’m not the special exception to this}}

On a different note, I’ve secretly fallen back in love w/coughcoughplayingthepianocoughcough again It’s become my stress-relief (especially since my harp is semi-out of commission). sitting down and playing around with it until i figure out the music to my favorite new songs has been “a blast” Oh, but I am still playing the harp. in fact, I’ll be playing at my roomie’s wedding at the end of this month ((so excited))!

College: this is a depressing subject. I sometimes feel like just throwing all this college crap into the nearest trashcan and moving to Asia! …then i remember that i actually do love learning (much as I am so stinkin slow at it!), and I can’t move over to asia until I fulfill the first steps in my journey (aka. taking a bunch of science courses in order to become a nurse). ::sigh:: life would be so much easier though if that was the only college-relating struggle. but no. it’s not bad enough that I’m a 3.26 student (er… maybe a little less thanks to this past semester)… but now we add financial struggles and people to top all this off! {{now is where  it gets fun}}.

So, starters… $$$ = EVIL. thus, if we could get rid of all $$, life would be so much better. BU is costing me a ****-load and a half. over the last year, I’ve looked up/semi-applied for several other colleges…. ones that would cost 1/3 less of what BU is charging me! argh, if only BU didn’t have such an amazing nursing program (that I’m still not sure i’m going to get into) and such awesome ppls in BU wind symphony! If it weren’t for that I’d leave in a heartbeat…. except, now I can’t. See, unlike in the past when I found “friends”, I’m actually starting to feel like I’ve found some real and genuine “FRIENDS”. and leaving these ppls would be extremely hard. like, my heart would break if they left me, and I’d have to be heartless in order to leave them. i’m done being heartless… I need them. Especially since these last few months have been a blur of black and gray… and lack of white. but that’s a totally different subject for a totally different rainy day… <3

On a semi-brighter note: I may not be living on BU campus this fall… and may be saving $$… like, lots of $$

I’ve been considering this too, but couldn’t find anyone who was interested in moving off-campus/getting an apartment(hadn’t talked to anyone about it). Now, cuz of stupid financial reasons, two of my amazing roomies are moving out (er, NOT moving in) and looking for other various places to live (that are cheaper). this was pretty much the last stick, er… “straw”(?). I got a call from our neighbor lady who’ll be moving down to Roseville in August and who will have a basement that’ll need to be rented out… pretty sure that was my sign from God that I’m supposed to try something new. if this works out, I’ll get a car, be close to BU, stay w/ fahs+soukup in the basement of said house, and be motivated to work on weekends so i can honestly pay rent. (that’ll be w/o any parental help! nice). however, i just talked to my mom about this… she’s not to fond of me staying w/ a divorcee… and I understand her point, but still. if it’s 3 of us christian girls (all going into the medical field) living there, won’t we be more of a support/encouragement than a hinderance? Idk, it’s all up in the air right now, but it’s sounding like a strong possibility…

and now my ride is here. too bad I’m such a slow typer… there’s so much more to say…. <3

So, me, being the nerd I’ve turned into, am super excited right now. know why? I totally just got a new textbook! ::happiness::  Yes, i know that’s pretty pathetic, but let’s be honest. the smell of a new textbook is worth the $**** you put into it, right?

So yeah. that was the hight light for me today.

These past few months have been crazy. so much has happened. like, explainable and unexplainable. however, God continues to show himself new to me in many ways.

I’ve met many new friends, who’ve inspired me and challenged my faith in many ways. for example, this one person i met shared his whole life story with me w/in a day of meeting him. talk about wow. his story moved me to tears, and although there were parts that hurt to hear about, i started to realize that i really don’t have it all that bad. yes, things have happened in my life, but overall God has been amazing to my family. we struggle, and i think it’s because we lose sight of what we are doing, and for WHOM we are here (on earth) for!

One of my classes this semester is ICA (Intro to Creative Arts). At first i was so bummed that i had to take this class when i believed that i could basically *teach* it (c’mon, i grew up w/ music/art/theater… how hard could it be, right?). ha! i was taken aback w/in the first two sessions. when we started getting into the course, i started realizing that it was a course made to challenge us to go deeper than just looking over the surface of our observations. it challenged us to go deeper and think outside the box. wow, i saw a lot more in stuff that i had previously considered “simple”. for example, we went to a MN orchestra concert, and one of the songs moved me to tears! blah. how stupid, i know. but in all honesty, the song, the atmosphere of the room, the  music was put together so perfectly that it tugged on some past memories that had ties to them… and it was just about too much for my emotions. weird, right?

yeah, so that’s a good class… much as i’m still not too fond of artwork

Then we’ve got chinese, a total FAV. class, though i don’t like waking up @7am to get ready in time for it. but i’ve had to start challenging myself, because i realized that, unless you challenge yourself in this course, you can get an A+ and actually not learn anything. so, yeah. i’ve been giving myself some assignments and… we’ll see how that goes.

oh, randomly, i was JUST reminded of Phil 3:13, “Forgetting that which is behind us and pressing for what is ahead…” {my version}. that’s an excellent verse…. yeah.

i’m also starting a music minor, which means more music. i wouldn’t mind so much, but i find that practicing flute is becoming less and less motivating. i started up harp lessons again (::yayness::), but flute is just… idk. i’m not feeling it this year i guess. bumma.

started A&P #1….AGAIN. hopefully i’ll be able to stay up and not get behind this time. i’m really looking forward to doing it — especially since all my exams are open book Nice

Other then that, i’ve just been working on family stuff. yeah, that’s always a fun topic. honestly, all my sisters are out of state and right now they’re all writing odd stories for themselves. it’s hard, cuz i see what they’re doing, and i know that they’re expanding their wings and finding themselves… but it’s odd, cuz it seems like… i don’t even know. it’s just odd. my family has always been the ones whom *i’ve* come back to, but now that i’m at college, i feel like i’m stuck here and they’re all going out and doing things. it’s different, but in a good way a suppose. i am prob. just envious since they’re all our doing stuff and i’m here. yeah, i’m trying to look at the bigger pic. … but i left right away as a child (12-ish) and was gone most of my “growing-up” years… and this is different. not they’re all gone. and i’m not.

ok. now i’m just rambling. and it’s prob. not making any sense (i’m glad i have spell check though… ).  but, before i totally let you go, i’ll leave you with a song that i’ve heard several times on the radio… it’s a highly excellent song…

“Three in the morning,
And I’m still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I’d say,
If we were face to face,
I’d tell you just what you mean to me,
I’d tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You’re going to do great things,
I already know,
God’s got His hand on you so,
Don’t live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don’t forget why you’re here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I’ve already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You’re going to do great things,
I already know,
God’s got His hand on you so,
Don’t live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don’t forget why you’re here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You’re going to do great things,
I already know,
God’s got His hand on you so,
Don’t live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don’t forget why you’re here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say”

–Sidewalk Prophets

Lately, like the last 2 weeks, I’ve been super busy/tired/busy/depressed.

I have had a lot on my mind – in fact, my mind has been everywhere… everywhere at once! I have so much that I want to worry about: college, homework, gpa’s, nursing applications, work, studying, finances, music(lessons, performances, band and orchestra), and life in general (family, roomies, and friends). oh, and on top of that, people have been reminding me that I need to sleep, eat, and workout upon occasion too

Yup. I’ve gotten waaay out of it these last few weeks. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that sometimes I just don’t know if I’m really cut out for this whole “College” thing… which makes me wonder what the heck I’m doing trying to become a Nurse….

What if I’m in the wrong place?

what if I am really setting myself up for dissappointment?

what if I’m just not cut out for all this?

then the panic moment….

OMGOSH!! I DON’T HAVE A PLAN “B”!! 

see? I told you I could complain about a lot.

:sigh:

::deep breath::

did you notice that something  the MOST IMPORTANT item was missing from that list? (scroll up a little bit – it’s the list that I made of *all* the things I have to do…)

yup… it’s missing God.

*I* have been missing God.

and literally, when you look at my life, you can tell that I have been completely missing God.

sure, these last few weeks people have talked to me, I smile, laugh, give “glory to God” and all that good jazz… but when a relationship with GOD is put aside (like, devotions aren’t done, prayer is set on the shelf, and church… what is that again?), yeah…. you’ll realize, just like I have, that the rest of your life becomes pointless.

SO(!!!), I’ve decided that, even though life is trying ever-so-hard to get me down, I KNOW why I’m here (current location: Bethel U).

I’m going to become a nurse.

I know it’s going to be rough, but I KNOW that God has not brought me this far to let me fall.

 He has put His compassion inside of me.

He has given me the brain and will power to learn.

He has given me a vision.

I am going to be a Nurse. a spectacular Nurse

oh, and semi-beside the point, but it still has to do with the point…

My Daddy sent me an email (the 3rd one w/in the last 3 weeks!), which I’m gunna close with:

“…He does have huge plans for your life – he allows us to stumble – but He also allows us to be picked up – “brush ourselves off” – and get back on the right track.
 
Matthew 7:7-8
Ask, Seek, Knock
 ”Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened
 
Here’s a poem that has helped me keep going….

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow–
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out–
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit–
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.
-          Author unknown
 
Remember Camille – God has wonderful plans for your life…
 
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”

as if it’s not bad enough trying to keep up with 2 other blogs, I’m going to start a new one… IN CHINESE!!

http://walkingbyfaith09.blogspot.com

take a look. let me know what ya think. and just nod and smile as I practice my favorite language

but….

I LOVE MY LIFE!

I LOVE MY UNIVERSITY!

I LOVE MY ROOMIES!

I LOVE MY FAMILY!

I LOVE MY STUDIES!

I LOVE MY JOB!

but most of all… I LOVE MY GOD!

Yeah, basically i am sooo undeserving and my God is so full of everything good – it’s super overwhelming!

however, it hasn’t been easy. I’ll be honest – I had quizzes this last week that SUCKED (er… pardon my french~ “they were really bad”). yeah, for the one, I had studied and *thought* I was confident enough… then I got in the classroom and had a mindblank. I talked w/ my proff. today and he was super shocked that I did sooo bad (yeah, *THAT* bad). he gave some encouraging words and said that it’s up to me to figure out how to NOT let that happen again… ::great::

The second test I did not study for – or, rather, I stayed up until 4am the night before the test, rested for 2 hrs, then dove into it. NOT COOL! I really don’t recommend it Yeah, I have yet to find the results, but I’m taking it as a lesson learned… :-\

On the other hand…

Ah! I totally have a job!! ahhhhh!!! and it’s amazing! aHHHHHH!! and I couldn’t be much more in love with it!

I went in for an interview at ACRHomes (and so I don’t have to explain it, please just look it up and see what it is all about – super interawesomeness!!)

I’ll be a “Long Term Float-er” which means that I get to work (when I have time) for as long as I want. I finished the interview-process last Thursday, and have already put in a few hrs of training. Please pray that it all goes smoothly – I’m really excited to see what God is going to do w/ me through this job

Other than that…  I’m basically already filling up my schedule.My schedule is JAMPACKED! literally… I am NOT allowed to get sick, because every day (w/ the exception of  1 or 2) I have packed to the max! yeah, so after this next week I am totally looking forward to hitting the books, practicing/studying like a crazy-woman, and packing in work hrs (a lot of awake-nights… should be fun!)

and now that I feel better about getting some of this out in writing, I’d better bid y’all “adue” (french again?) and get back to the studies

Love y’all lots <3 <3

Taiwan-Trip (Summer ’09) is DONE!
It was truly an amazing trip in more ways than I can express.
I laughed.
I cried.
I met tons of precious people.
I picked up on a TON more Chinese.
…and I met God in a whole new way!

However, I have a TON to blog about since I’ve been home, so if you’re curious about my Taiwan adventures, you really should just come ask me  – I’d love to share all that happened while I was over there

As for life since I’ve been back in the States… where to start?

I went straight to working for my Dad – one whole week straight!

Then off to take a CNA course… AWESOME TIMES

I hit it off right away with the only two guys in the class (David and Bob), and I must say, much as I used to be semi-against the idea of guys becoming “Nurses”, I actually really admired these guys for doing something unusual.

Well, I had quite a few early mornings/late nights for those two weeks of CNA training, but it was worth it, and I passed my test with flying colors! Oh, but I do have to add a quick story: One of the early-morning drives down there was really, REALLY stormy – like, I could NOT see the car 2ft. in front of me! Scared me to death. Yes, I was the only one in the car, thus *I* was driving. So, really rainy/windy outside, could only see the tail lights of the cars in front of me, and having one of those “out-of-body” experiences. I could just see myself getting in an accident and… yeah. Anywho, I got this sudden prompting to turn on KTIS (a local Christian radio station). I did, and my FAVORITE song was on! It’s called “Mighty to Save” by Laura Story. I swear, that song was meant for me… (however, the significance behind that song is a totally different story, thus we’ll just leave it as a favorite) As soon as I heard it, I cranked the radio up, started singing at the top of my voice (I do that ONLY when I’m driving), and almost immediately the rain died down! It was amazing! Totally a God thing, right?

Ok, so those 2 long weeks are done… and no later were they done, then I had to move into Bethel University! I seriously LOVE not having a moment to sit down But seriously, I do love it here! I love all my roomies (April, Rhianna, Tasha, Natalie, AND Lauren!). I’ve already made friends w/ my new professors, as well as caught up w/ my old ones. I LOVE all my classes (bio/gen/org Chemistry, Anatomy, Intro to Bible, Chinese, and vball)! and I LOVE being part of a Christian community!

Yes, my life’s basically considered perfect right now!

…but that’s just the surface of all of it…

~Me